Things I would like to see listed on Freecycle.


I love Freecycle.  It's an excellent way to redistribute stuff from on person to another.  You have two miniature bronze Fonzi, I have none, instead of trashing your excess Fonzi - you pass it on to me.  Fonzi for everyone!  This works for Velvises, Chia Pets, George Forman grills and all kinds of cool stuff. 


But sometimes all good things go bad.  Sometimes people misuse a good thing for their own selfish, lazy or irresponsible purposes.  Here's my list of the most common abusers on Freecycle:


Example #1:

TVOffer:  Large 500 inch LCD television

This television is huge.  You will need a truck and strong MEN to carry it.  We have it in the basement, so be prepared to carry it up some stairs!  It has inputs for your holographic simulators, and a direct brain connection for telepathic channel surfing.  It worked great until my rabid pet brown bear Pee-wee threw my six year old into it.  Now it's got a crack and won't power on.  Part of the top corner also cracked off, but it worked OK without it when it did power on.   Maybe if you're handy you can get it to work.  Please tell me when you can come get it so I can be home.  Sorry, my husband and I can't help you lift it because we hurt ourselves in a debilitating buffet accident.

The trash disposer:

This person is not really looking to pass on an item to someone to use and enjoy.  Instead they are just trying to get someone to haul away their trash, so they don't have to pay for disposal and/or carry anything heavy.




Example #2:

Wanted:  Everything you can give me because I'm having a baby.

I decided to have a baby, but I have no money and live in an unfurnished apartment which I can barely afford because I don't believe in working.  I can't find anyone to take care of me, and I need stuff.  I need all the stuff a baby needs.  I also need a car so I can get to my A.A. meetings and an entertainment and gaming system so I can get men to come over and be a role model for my baby.  You'll have to bring the stuff to me, and it has to be in good shape.  I don't want my baby to get hurt with cheap stuff.

The breeder:

The breeder demands that you give them what they want because they have the special ability to sexually reproduce.  That's right!  They can make babies, and do so at will.  Therefore it is your job to give them all the stuff they need.  If you don't, well then you are a cruel, uncompassionate, ass.  People who don't breed, simply have no right to criticize.  They should just give the breeder all their stuff.


bad email


Example #3:

Re: Offer:  Slightly used Doughnut holes

I take yous donit hols today at 7.  Be there becase I have hair appouintment too.  I come and get where addres?

B. Hole

The mannerless expecter:

This person expects that whatever you offer, they can have.  They don't care that anyone might have replied already.  They don't feel that they need to use any manners.  They are going to take the item, whether you say it's alright or not. 


In retaliation, we'd like to offer the following Freecycle Offers and Requests:


Wanted:  Cash

Non-breeder with social responsibility need money to eat. Looking for cash that someone isn't using anymore.


Wanted: Universe Punching  bag

Responsible despot seeking universe no one else is using. *


Wanted:  Free Money

Non-breeders looking for free money with no strings attached, just come bring us the money and shut the fuck 5pm sharp, biatch.  **


Offer: ass-whopping

I have a lot of extra ass whoppings sitting around and would be willing to part with a few.  Please specify when you can pickup in your reply so I can have your ass-whopping waiting.


Butt, what elseReceived: Ass Whopping

Thank you sir may I have another. *


Wanted: human punching bag **


Wanted: One foot in the grave, overly generous, bachelor with no kids billionaire for short term marriage. **


Offer:  Butt

Has a small crack in it, but otherwise it's in great shape.  Worked fine until I stopped eating any fiber.  Maybe if your handy you can unplug it and get it to work.


   * Graciously submitted by Tracy.

**  Graciously submitted by Marie.