Great Myths about the Mysteries  of the Known Universe


1) There is no proof of sentient extraterrestrial life existing.

I know that this is extremely cliché but just look at these pictures:



Just look at these guys and tell me that they are the same species as the rest of us.  Need I say more... really?


2) "Pizza is like sex; even when it's bad, it's good."

They say this and I am not entirely sure why.  Isn't 'bad' by definition bad?  Unless of course you are using 'bad' in its colloquial context. But even so I am sure that we all can find many holes in that theory.  However, there is one that just cries out to make itself heard.  You see, I believe that this theory had to be hypothesized pre 1977.  I have had really bad pizza, and there was no good about it.

Chuck E. Cheese where pizza tastes like crap.

Chuck E. Cheese, where pizza is painful.  OH MY GOD.  It's like someone took a stale cracker and smeared ketchup and e-z cheese on it.  Actually, that would taste better.  It's like crushed saltines that have been left out for a week covered in the sauce from a no frills brand can of spaghetti and meatballs with vegetarian fake cheese on it.  Yeah, that's getting closer. So Chuck E Cheese proves that when pizza is bad, it really is bad.


3) The theory of relativity.  Specifically that the universe has a speed limit.

Obviously, Einstein never drove on the toll road or Rt. 7 at rush hour. 

Go slower than 90 MPH and you run the danger of being shot by an angry 30 something in a Hummer late for drinking night with his buddies.  And they are not just breaking the speed of light!  They are doing it while primping or talking on the cell phone. You can hear them yelling about some nonsensical matter involving so and so, and their mother and some elephant who wants to buy hamburgers at their father's beach house.  It all make no sense, but they don't care.  They just keep on babbling on.


And you have those people who drive fast even though they have no license and their car is in pieces.  Also there are the people in construction vehicles who take forever to speed up to the speed of traffic.  Now everyone is passing them and not really being too careful about it. Combine all these people and factors and you get some spectacular wrecks!


So time is now disrupted by the warp in time-space that only two objects colliding at the speed of light can only create.   This makes everyone even later, so they drive even faster.

So Einstein, your wrong dude.  The universe has no speed limit, just an intelligence limit.


4) We have not been able to produce cold fusion in a laboratory yet.


Ok, I challenge you to come to my kitchen and say that.  Just the other day, I created cold fusion in my coffee mug.  It was not intentional, but it was spectacular.

Step one: Pour coffee into mug.  

Step two:  Drink half the cup of coffee over course of half of an hour.

Step three: Pour fresh coffee into half filled cup.

Step four: Stand back when cup and coffee explode all over kitchen.


I am not sure if I can duplicate this experiment, but I can tell you with complete certainty that cold fusion exists.


5) You can get a car for under $500 on

This is a deceiving one.  Yes, you can actually buy a car that sort of runs from craigslist for less than $500.  You can bring a mechanic, a car designer and a mind reader.  The car will seem to be exactly as advertised.  Everyone will agree that the car is in decent shape.  "What a great deal!" you say as you drive the car home. But once you get it home  you find out that there is no way in heaven or hell that you will be able to get said car to pass any state inspection.  You also find those little problems that the previous owner neglected to mention, like the car exhaust being held together with duct tape or the windshield wipers only working when it's dry out.  They also neglect to mention that the wheel tends to fall off when you drive it above 45mph, and at 5:00pm every day the engine catches on fire. 

You wonder how you missed  these things.  That's when you realize that the previous owner parked the car so the shade from the tree hit just the spot where the hole in the fender was so you missed it, and the cracked tail light was disguised by the shammy that he used to "dry" the car. 

There are a million reasons and tricks that could have been exploited.  But one thing is for certain, these sellers are good.  So you end up putting $1000 or more into car repairs just to get it legal and road worthy. So no, there is no such thing as a running $500 car on craigslist.



That is all I have for now.  I know full well there are many many more false theories that need disproving, but I am done for now.  Let's recap:

Alien's walk amongst us. They all seem to have bad hair.

Bad pizza is bad and has nothing to do with sex.  You're not fooling anyone if you say otherwise.

People frequently break the speed of light on the highways in the metropolitan D.C. area.

Cold fusion is a reality.  People need to just be more observant.

There is no such thing as a working $500 car.

Keep these facts in mind and you may have an easier life.  Or not.