It’s that time again.  I have had 5 free minutes, and a mystery worth pondering.  This time it’s big.  This time it’s personal.  This time it’s…


The mystery of my torn underwear


Ok, we all know that underwear tears and needs replacing every so often.  However, it is how it tears that bothers me.   Take a look below at the evidence.




Notice the hole forming in the front of the underwear.  What is that?  All my underwear tears in this same place.  Logically thinking, one would expect the greatest wear and tear on the back of my underwear.  I sit on my butt, which is covered by the back of my underwear.  So why isn’t the back torn?  What could possibly be wearing out the front of my underwear?  I don’t have anything up front that could possibly do this.  Really.


I compiled a list of suspects.


Suspect #1:


dryer  The dryer.


This suspect is violent, and indiscriminant.  I would expect such behavior from this beast; however it is not intelligent or consistent.  When it destroys, it leaves no pattern of any kind.  Therefore, I conclude that this is not the source of my underwear destruction.


Suspect #2:  Bad white cat


She’s fluffy.  She’s cute.  She’s sweet.  Sometimes she’ll even turn on you, and show you her “bad side.” She chews on plastic bags like there is no tomorrow.  She rubs on black things.  Alas, she does not go for underwear though, even if it’s black.  Nor does she have access to my skivvies on any kind of regular basis.  Her alibi is air tight.


Suspect #3:


singularity  Quantum singularity.


Imagine this, an infinite number of tiny quantum singularities, and many of them find their way into my underwear drawer.  Imagine the incredible forces they would unleash, not to mention the damage they could do to my unmentionables. While this is an interesting and well thought out theory, there are two factors that invalidate this concept.  The first is that this would warp the gravitational field around my dresser, making it impossible to get dressed in the morning.  This is an excuse for getting out of work, but unfortunately this has not happened.  The next fact is that frequently my clean underwear gets left mixed in the laundry basket with my other clothes for days; yet my underwear still gets torn.  Therefore, it cannot be a singularity causing my torn underwear.


Suspect #4


RIMG0027  Angry ninja roommate


Well, she wouldn’t waste time on my underwear.  She would just put holes in me.  Besides, she is just too busy breaking the home network to have time to tear holes in my undies.  So it’s not her.


Suspect #5


cardplayers  Garden gnome organized crime.


Maybe I missed the point altogether.  Maybe, I should have focused on a more criminal element.  I have neglected making my payments to the gnome’s “protection fund” all this time.  Maybe I have angered them and just need to pay up.  Maybe it’s not the gnomes at all; maybe it’s the ducks.  I always get those two confused.




I have none.  I still haven’t the faintest idea why my underwear tears in the front each and every time.  If anyone has any enlightening ideas, email me. 


Also I am taking donations to replace my diminishing underwear supply.  Click below to help the fight against evil underwear vandalism.


Outcome of Sin
Read about my book!

Home      Rants

Page made by M. Treiber copy righted where applicable.